Chronicles of unsent letter
by PeroxideMermaid
Summary: "I hate to admit it, but you kept me sane. But you are also driving me insane." Here are a few letters Robin writes to Regina after learning she had cheated on him with David...
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Hey! Okay so this isn't a fic, not yet I haven't decided if I should write it or not… Anyway, I'm going to post a few solos, letters, that I wrote for an Roleplaying account, a Robin to be exact, that I have. The story is simple, Regina cheated on Robin with David. In this particular story Regina is an attorney, David a sheriff and Robin a therapist. David had a horrible falling out with Mary which is why he is in therapy with Robin (they become friends, somewhat) and begins telling Robin about this woman he met in his work (Regina). Regina and David always seemed to clash but one night of a bit too many drinks they ended up having sex and well things continued but Regina one day discovered that David is one of Robin's patients and decides to tell him the truth that he did not take well… But that isn't important here… Robin begins to go to therapy himself and her therapist suggest writing… So here are the letters.. enjoy!

Xoxo, Janice…

|xXx|

I always wished you would come back  
Every day I would pray  
But why was I asking for that?  
The more the time that passed  
The more I wondered  
Why was I asking for someone to love me when they've made it abundantly clear that they don't anymore?  
Why did I want someone so much?  
Someone so heartless?  
Why do we have a death grip  
on the people that are trying to rip themselves away from us?

Why did I fooled myself in such a way that I no longer recognize who I am?

Dear Regina,

I don't even know where to begin. I was told that writing to you was supposed to make the pain in my chest hurt less. I don't want to get into the details of that dull ache in my heart, all I can say is that each day it grows more but at the same time it shrinks. What a contradiction, right? I thought so. I just cannot explain it, but it is how I feel. The ghost of the death grip you had in my heart still burns but I still find the means to keep on breathing. Don't know if that can be called living, God knows my life had turned rather dull since you walked away from us, from me. Still I breathe even if the fresh air is poison in my lungs.

Isn't it curious that I can find the words to write down but whenever it comes to facing you, confronting the new path our lives have taken I cannot even muster a single word that won't feel like a knife running through my skin, piercing my very fabric of existence? I think things had gone too far between us, don't you think? You destroyed me. But the worst part of all? I let you do so. I love you, so much that in the end killed my heart and still I hope that one day you'll see that you and I were always meant to be. I knew it from the very moment I met your gaze in that empty classroom all those years ago.

I just want to breathe without feeling like I'm drowning.

Will that ever be possible? Will I ever let go of the memories that meant the world to me? I... I don't know, maybe. Do I want to let you go? No, I don't. Even though I have to, even though I need to cleanse my mind and heart of you and be healthy again, I can't. I'm so accustomed to having in my life that I don't know how to take a step forward without looking at my side and seeing that you are there backing me up. This is no longer the case.

I hate to admit it, but you kept me sane.  
But you are also driving me insane.

I don't even know why I'm writing you this letter, Regina. Is not like I've haven't told you these things before. Surely you must remember them? I know it may seem pathetic, and maybe it is but it was worth to try.

Oh Regina, why am I writing to this letter? Is not like you are going to read it, I don't have intention of giving it to you.

I hope it was worth it.

I hope discarding me like yesterday news had given you all you ever wanted. I'm still reeling from the pain you have inflected on me. Is not pretty, but I'm getting by, barely. One last thing, before I say goodbye I need to say, that I hope the next time your heart beats, it breaks your chest.

Till next time, no longer(always) yours,  
Robin.


	2. Chapter 2

Words do not express thoughts very well. They always become a little different immediately after they are expressed, a little distorted, a little foolish.  
— Herman Hesse, Siddhartha

Dear Regina,

Someone once asked me what was my idea of the perfect woman and without a doubt, I spoke your name. Back then things were simpler. There were no fears, no pain. It was just you and me, loving one another with intense need. Now, if someone were to ask me that question again, I do not know the answer any longer. I've always believed that as long as I had you, even the darkest of moments wouldn't be able to faze me; you were my light, my guide. But now everything is bleak, shrouded in darkness and every time we argue it is like a dagger directed at my heart.

Sometimes I still get this urge to contact you.  
To hear your voice, to sooth my tormented soul. 

It is pure desperation; this love becoming stones in my heart. And I search, desperately for an elixir to help turn my heart soft again. I never found it, because the only way this heart will normally beat again is with your love. But I no longer possess your heart? I cannot use the curative properties of your love. As much as I hate to admit it, you never truly belonged to me.

You belonged to the air, to the sky, to the fire that roams this earth. I was but an anchor weighing you down. Even so, I didn't want to believe that to be true. You were happy, right? I did make you smile and laugh and giggle. I made you feel love. I held your body in the middle of ecstasy, and got drunk in the smell of you. Did you ever get drunk on me? Did you breathe fresh air while being at my side? Or was I foolish to believe that my feelings for you made you happy?

As I write this, I'm reminded of a song you once sang to me while I was falling asleep...

[All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe  
Holds my love in his hands, still, I'm searching for something  
Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again  
I'll breathe again]

And I wonder, have you sung that to him?

I'm not trying to sound bitter here [I am]... But I am not making any sense lately. It feels like I'm going in circles, even as I write this second letter. Not that it matters anyways, you aren't going to read it. But I want you to know, even though you don't read this, is that I truly love you and I don't know when exactly will I ever be able to say that I don't. I don't know if my heart will ever be able to recover and laser remove your name tattooed across my heart. I try, believe me, I do. But the second I even attempt to tell myself 'Just forget about her' a fresh wave of pain collides with my being and I am reminded that things aren't that simple, that my heart, albeit slowly, still beats for you. Somedays I wish you could hold my heart in your ribcage for only just one minute, so you can feel true pain. Would you survive it? Because to this day, I don't know how exactly am I withstanding this paroxysm in my chest. I don't know, maybe I'm strong, but playing weak or maybe I'm weak playing to be strong.

From the moment I met you, I feel a deep connection. There was something in your soul that called my name, and I began to think that we were soulmates. Time proved my right. We were perfect for each other. I couldn't stop thinking about you, even at the very beginning when you and I fought like cats and dogs in the classroom, debating our different views. Somehow that drove us closer. But now, looking back I feel foolish to think that your heart was exclusively for me. Because while you were with me, you were thinking of him.

The rest I have in my chest will have to wait to be expressed in the next letter.

Maybe, by then I'll be less confused and won't be running in circles wasting precious ink.

Till next time, crippled by love  
Robin


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Regina,

Everyday of my life I go over the first time I met you. I remember thinking how infuriating you were, how you always had an opinion that went against mine. I wondered if you were doing it to bother me or if you really like to be heard? I soon discovered that it was both. You always been a feisty person, full of ideas and with a moral compass that was always pointing north. Which made this situation all the more bitter for me, us. I never believed that you could betray what we had, because it was good, for whatever he gave you. I pride myself with loving you unconditionally, but now, that same pride, made me look like a fool.

You did.

Now here I am, picking up the pieces of my broken heart, trying to put back together like a jigsaw puzzle. It will never be the same, the cracks will stay to remind me, that not all love comes free. Yours came with a price that was too high to pay, and the worse part? I didn't mind to pay it.

But enough is enough.

I'm tired of being this love sick puppy begging for you to not leave me. These feelings are tormenting me, and oh God I wish I didn't feel anymore. But that isn't an option, isn't it? If I don't feel that would give you a bigger excuse to leave. And it might be selfish from my part, down right masochist, but I don't want to let you go. Stupid, eh? Love is stupid, and blind, and hurtful and downright unbearable. Loving with such a need and intensity had only serve for my heart to bleed out.

You are in my like an incurable diseases. You are a cancer eating me from the inside until there's nothing less for you to feast on. I didn't want to love you. You know I didn't, but each they you got closer, It made my resolution turn into nothing, just a tiny speck of nothing in a sea of people. I came to love you, without restrictions, without barriers. I came to love you so much that I lost my identity in the process. I hate you so fucking much for making me feel this way, but I'll hate you even more if you forever walk away. This is so confusing and hurtful but here I am, willingly getting hurt in hopes for a cure to the terminal illness that is your love. If you can love? I sometimes wonder if your capable of that, or maybe it is just my bitter part. There are other parts of me that you've touch and made glow but the memory stings and I've closed off those parts that crave your touch, your aura. Once I told you that it didn't matter what secrets you held so close to you, I would love every part of you and I meant it. But how am I supposed to love this discovery? Or better yet, how am I suppose to unlove you?

It is hard, and messy and downright wrong..

But still, I love you, still I hate you.

Still I wish you gone, still I wish you here with me.

The things you so to me, Regina. And oh, I wish that this stupid love song that is our lives would just end. I don't think I'm strong enough, not anymore, not when you given up on us, and picked up the pieces with a stranger that I'm pretty sure is undeserving of your heart. There's no one better for you in this world than me, but I clearly don't deserve to be half loved like you seemed to believe.

There is so much I can say but it will have to sit till next time,  
Forever confused,  
Robin of Locksley


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Regina,

I hope you are well. Me, well I'm still a bit of a mess, but you already knew that. I've been wondering a lot lately, How are you? It just occured to me that I've been unloading my feelings on this letters like a mad man but I haven't stopped to think how are you fairing. So, again, How are you? Sad? Happy? Angry? Confused? Anxious? Bitter? Satisfied? Lost? Such an array of emotions, so many things to be felt. I know, I feel an ocean of them. But what do you feel? Let me tell you this, I've hope for sadness, anger, irritation, disdain and so many negative emotions that won't allow you to breath.

Seems like an overkill, I know. But that is how I feel, I want you to be in my shoes. My burden is a love I can't carry more. I would kill to breath but I cannot comit such a tragic act. So I pull through but wishing that it was you carrying such a heavy burden. It must be beautiful to be loved. I once thought so as well, and I really wish to feel the same way as well, but in this world of confussion, betrayals and knife of double edges I cannot make you love me, even if you say to still love me. Find it hard to believe. All these voices in my head are telling me that all your words are lies, and the strange part is that I believe those voices more than I believe in you. It is hard to say, or rather write, these words. I don't have a home in your arms and that is something I needs to learn to live with.

Then I get to thinking that I don't want you feeling all of this. All the pain, all the love. I don't want you in my shoes because that would mean you'll be in my heart and I cannot bear having you even more within myself. You are still in my veins like infection and at the same time like an antibiotic. Making me sick and curing my at the same time. Such a juxtaposition, side by side but not really, hurting me but healing. Contradiction, that is what you are in my life. I got you in my brain and at the same time I feel emptied out. Somedays a glass of whiskey makes me feel better but then I remember our first encounter and the words 'I don't daytime drink' running wild in my head.

It is amazing how much of my life you shaped and how much of it you destroyed.

I want you to suffer but at the same time I want you as happy as you can be even if that means not being at my side. It bites and burns makes me scream bloody murder but that is how I feel.

I ask again, how are you feeling, Regina?

Trying to figure things out,  
Robin Locksley.


	5. Chapter 5

Dear Regina,

Today I thought I saw you walking down the street of that old apartment we used to own when we were back in college. It made reminiscence about the good old days where our biggest worry was if we should order take out or simply cook.

I miss those days.

I miss seeing you in the morning in your all natural glow. Your curly hair, your face without lipstick and the way you softly smiled whenever your opened your eyes. How my heart fluttered when you called my name with your sleep filled voice, or how your touch was like electricity reviving my heart.

It is so hard to believe that those days are gone, ripped away by a tornado category F-5. I would call it a hurricane but let's be honest, a tornado is better suited. While hurricane lasts weeks destroying everything in their path, tornado take from one to three minutes to completely break down what it took years to build. And you did that.

You destroyed us in a matter of seconds.

Maybe I have fault in this as well but it is easier for me to blame you. It is easier for me to point a finger than to accept my own faults. I never disrespected you, never belittled your opinion, on the contrary your word always had high regard in my life.

But maybe that's the reason why you grew tired of me. Maybe I loved you too much to the point I smoother you?

The funny thing is that, I still love you from your smallest flaw to the biggest ones. I don't know how to love anyone else and that will forever be my curse. To have you so deep within my soul and never have you again.

I thought I saw you walking down the street of that old apartment we used to own and I got to thinking of all the decisions I've made since then. If I had obliged of moving to London like you wanted, would we be in this mess? It was the only time in our whole relationship that I said no and looking back to that conversation I truly feel selfish because I want to take it back.

I want to say "Yes, we should go." And never look back. I feel selfish because maybe then you would be here with me and I wouldn't even be writing this pathetic letter you'll never going to read. Is it wrong that I want that? Is it wrong that I want to erase that man from our lives forever? Or would the story be the same with a different actor? Is it possible that love simply dies without noticed? I hate playing twenty question alone because I never know the answers.

It just makes me feel more pathetic than I already am.

But you made me like this? You melted my heart and shaped it to this lovesick puppy that doesn't know how to stand on his own two legs.

I'm so tired.

Of everything.

I am even tired of hearing your name everywhere I go. Even the wind seems to whisper it in my ear whenever I'm alone. Why did you turn into this? To my most bittersweet memory of all?

I used to think about your name and that alone brought a smile to my lips but now I only frown. It is like an angel's laughter dies and a demon is born.

I don't know what to do.

I just know that I am still lost in the night. I still feel like I'm still walking the long road to a broken heart and oh it hurts so much and I'm not even fully there. I always lived between your heartbeats but now without the rythym where am I suppose to sleep? Darkness become me and I become the architect of my self destruction all because I loved you.

Still love you.

Robin.


	6. Chapter 6

"Those who wait patiently for life to happen are cursed to not feel true happiness. Those who get up and fight are blessed to see their earnings at the end of the battle. Because that's life, a big battle, a giant war that can only be won if you stay true to who you are."

Dear Regina,

Hello once more, How are you doing? I hope well. I know that in the past few letters I went on and on about how much hurt you've brought into my life in the last few months. Your breach of trust, and irreparable pain inflicted to my heart but there's something I haven't really expressed.

All the good you brought into my life.

Shocking, isn't it?  
But truthful.

You see when we met all those years ago in college, I was closed off. Okay, so maybe that's not the right term to describe myself back then... Arrogant? That's more accurate. We constantly fought, we certainly didn't get along and we rival one another in the classes we took together. But everything changed in the course of one night. We got so drunk and sang karaoke like there was no tomorrow. That night I realized something extremely important.

That night I finally noticed that I've found my equal, the person I could have debates with and never lose respect for one another. But most importantly, I found the one person I didn't mind loving, forever.

I wasn't wrong even if right now I wish I could actually hate you. Sometimes I think I do but then I remember everything we've been through, all the rocks in the way, and it makes come to one simple conclusion. That no matter how much I fight it, part of my heart will always belong to you.

How lives have truly been a Rollercoaster ride. From your disapproving mother to my vindictive ex-girlfriend.

Now this.

But I know there's no coming back from this. I've come to terms with what your heart wants and that's not me.

I'm still pretty much angry but it will pass. I hope I can forgive you for our child's sake. Honestly, Regina? Living with resentment towards you is making my heart hurt and slowly turn to stone. Which is completely contradicting but that's the reality of my heart.

I wanted to apologize for all the horrible things I've written (although you haven't read them) Though I hope you understand that I am not a man of anger but you managed to make me feel so much of it in such a little time span that I am surprised I didn't burst an artery or two.

I need to make the note that the other letters do not represent what I feel, at least not anymore.

But I need to say this.

I'm sorry.  
For not being the man you needed.  
For not understanding that your love ended.  
For not listening to you when you asked.

What I'm not sorry for is not giving you the divorce when you asked. Not because I don't want you to be happy but because I want you to be well.

What I am sorry is for using my status as your husband to check you into the mental institution. But it needed to be done.

You are still part of my life even if we don't share one heart. I will /always/ care for you.  
Regina even if at the moment doesn't feel like it, you are still my best friend.

The woman that walked me back to my apartment and put me to bed that one faithful night where I realized that I wanted you forever in my life.

I wish you all the best, always.

Robin.


End file.
